i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
