a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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