I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
