I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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