it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Randomize
