U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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