Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
