he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
