I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize