You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
