I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
