I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
