Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
