Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
