Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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