i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
