My first STD was from a foam party
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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