I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize