i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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