i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
