I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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