She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize