I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
