she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
