we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
