There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize