The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I die, sorry about rent.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
