woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
