Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Enjoy the penises
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
