life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
