You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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