How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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