So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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