He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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