so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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