I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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