i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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