Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
