just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
