Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
