Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
