I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
