i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
