I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
