The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
