last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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