Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
