Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
