it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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