Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
