Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
