Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
