Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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