all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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