I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
