I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize