just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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