your parents love me but you hate me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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